And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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