and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
