Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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