Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
