Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
