hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
