quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
