my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hippo gnu deer
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
