I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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