chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
