My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
