dude i'm inner monologue high
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
