so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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