It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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