I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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