Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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