I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
