Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
