Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if you like me you must not know who I am
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
