Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he thought i was a dude.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
