google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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