i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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