Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
