there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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