I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
