I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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