Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
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So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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