Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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