If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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