Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
