I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
