The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
