yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
