Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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