So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
