Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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