so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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