Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
