please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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