In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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