I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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