So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
