Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
