You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
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No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
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Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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