I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
