Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
