Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
