There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
