the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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