there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize