Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
