Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Still dying that you shit outside
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
