is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
